Note to self:

School fuckin blows. Studying blows. 2 jobs. Debt. Balancing life and work. All of em blow. All of em are stressful. All of them require work and focus. 2 things you’ve always lacked. You are going to get discouraged. You will want to quit. Quitting is easy. Sitting in bed on the internet high as shit is easy and it leads NOWHERE. You’re not trying to go nowhere. In fact you are trying to go as many places as you can. Thats why you’re here. You’re not getting a degree. You’re getting options and options are freedom. So next time you lose sight and feel like tasks are insurmountable remember this:

- you made a kid not only believe in himself but his future and dreams like no one else on a continent could (maybe even the world)

- you’ve conquered cities with dimes

- you’ve slept on park benches, in parking garages, on trains, in the back of cars that were too small in the cold, rain, sleet and snow all for the sake of a story.

- you surpassed everyones expectations not by a week or two but an entire year. 

- you’ve made friends all over by being you.

- you’ve enriched the lives of 4 kids and many others who you had to grind to communicate with.

- you learned a second language that you FAILED at.

- you took criticism and turned it into fuel.

- you have been hungry, tired, lonely and confused and you have not just survived but thrived.

- you achieved a lifetime of memories and dreams by 19 and have nothing but the future ahead of you.

- you put down 10k on the autobahn, at least 800k of it in trying circumstances.

- you’ve done more than you can remember to put in this list.

- you are still “the best thing to ever happen to Regina’s family”. 

So next time you feel like shit is becoming too much and you’d rather admit defeat remember this. Stop, take 5, remember this and tackle each task one by one. Do it till you beg for sleep, food, water and rest. You are not going to get back to Munich or get anywhere if you don’t. You have the ability to do it. Now just goddamn get it done. You’ll face harder times and will need every small victory to help you muster the strength for the biggest battles.

I find it kinda funny how the way I am feeling right now is the polar opposite of the way i was feeling 12 months ago. Anxiety, fear and a sense of wonder are replaced by boredom, lament and a sense of loss. Last year I felt like I was jumping out of an airplane and somehow landing on another planet. Now I feel like I’m going from a world of color to black and white, back with the blinders on and going day to day. 

 It’s fitting that I’m leaving in the fall (no pun intended). The leaves are dying one by one each day; almost syncing with grains of time slipping through my fingers as my departure grows nearer. Eventually winter will come and I will be back to being frozen in my old life, trapped under the ice on the other side of what was my life here. I’m going to be torn for the longest time, maybe even permanently. Torn between doing normal shit and living like a goddamn rockstar…that happens to look after children. I’m just glad that I always knew that my wings were made of wax out here. From the moment I touched down here I knew there was work to do and in 12 months it would feel like I only had minutes to do it. Tell Frank Sinatra to take a fucking seat because I definitely did it my way and I cannot say for a single fucking second that I didn’t do my damn best and conquered everything I wanted to. Knowing your own mortality is your greatest weapon in life. I used the knowledge of my limited time here as a coach in the corner every time I was on the ropes. I hope I can bring the coach back to Calgary.

 I apologize if this is a bit bleak however leaving this place is breaking my heart. I’m waking up from the best damn dream of my life. I can’t wait to see all my friends and family again and my dog, however that’s all there is back in Calgary for me (and healthcare and decent employment). I wish I was just visiting Canada for a couple of months and then back on the road. Not even necessarily back in Munich but just back on the run. In a foreign place with wild people from all over and even wilder days. Travelling from place to place and filling my life with memories.

 Speaking of memories here are some key points you may want to remember if you ever revisit this blog future Dane. sleepin in the car w/ the mountains, the ferret the night you got wasted, the hedgehog in the backyard in sept, the first time you saw all of Munich from Dachau castle and the trees made it look like a fireworks display, that dumb broad with the gross jacket and stench that dragged you to a shitty bar with 12 y/o italians in Dachau who then stole candles with her equally fucking lame friend, the first time you met Chloe at the fountain and reached in for her earring in the fountain and promising to never know the name of the fountain, the first morning you woke up here and couldn’t feel it, meeting Chrissy at 4am with a big Canadian flag, freaking out at heathrow over your delay, the way the street looked in the winter nights with a thin layer of snow, how quiet it would be on those winter nights, getting high in the park on those winter nights, getting shit kicked by those texans and going to hardrock cafe with Chloe and her friend the second time we hung out, going to Oktoberfest by yourself and meeting those Americans and then meeting those guys who graduated from your school 10 years before you who is now a butt doctor, the way the air smells and feels out here, Chrissys first english joke involving 5 euros and grandparents, the day Regina cried because she finally felt like her son had a chance because of you, Chrissy’s best mark in English, the day you lost your fucking shit just before winter holidays, the pizza guy in Unterhaching always talking about Toronto, asking the shisha bar if they were drug dealers, the women, the beers everyday at xmas, Udo the driving instructor, the stars being different, Neil Young on the park bench with the brightest moon I’ve ever seen and the first feeling of uncertainty, waking up at Mickeys your first real night out, meeting Elle at the hockey rink, all the beautiful people that made this place even more vibrant, the laughs, the drugs, the sex and the occasional glimpse of rock and or roll.

This list only covers about a couple weeks worth of smaller memories that I may or may not forget and some I will never forget, however life is kind of nasty in the way it lets so many beautiful things slip away from us. I know i’ve forgotten so much already however the things I remember will always make me smile. If I know one thing about travel it is as simple as this: it doesn’t matter where you go, what you see, the money you spend or save or when; traveling is none of those things; traveling is what you do, with who you are with and the memories you make from it. If you don’t travel for the simple reason of making memories than please save yourself some time and money and me a seat on the next plane outta Calgary and stay the fuck home and live another 365 days that cannot be told apart one from the next. 

 I can never thank anyone or anything enough for this past year but I would like to thank you for reading -whoever you may be- I hope if I’ve had any impact on your life whether it be via this blog or any other way, whether it be big or small; I hope it was positive. Thank you.

Everyone has friends to some degree. Everyone has a different scale and such. Everyone has acquaintances, romances, best friends, confidants, enemies etc. Each person has their own spectrum and the means in which they measure on that spectrum is unique. However one thing is similar and unchanging between everyone. Those rare few people that have a core understanding. An understanding that words can’t really do justice to. When you just *click*. Thankfully it doesn’t happen often because when it does it’s truly special and to be cherished. When two people (or more) meet not because they were in the same class etc. but by pure chance they meet and *click*. That’s special. A relationship without prejudice and expectation. No outside influence. You discover each other and to some extent yourself through this person in a very organic and pure way. I’ve been lucky enough to meet people like that. I wouldn’t trade one of them for anything. 

One day I’ll get old and shriveled and disheveled and become a shadow of the physical form I once had. Although this is inevitable I can only wish to be half the person that my Grandmother is. TWO time cancer survivor, single mother of FIVE, kicker of asses when women were simply just the ones who popped out babies, even though arthritis and age are hounding her body she remains the Queen of the land of Fuckin Givin’ Er. Every time I call her out here I feel like my heart will explode. I feel like the dog that greets his master when they walk through the door. For a guy who doesn’t shut the fuck up I just sit and say “mhmm” “yep” “go on” and she’s talking about what she had for lunch, however I would kill a man just to hear that voice. Sure she’s talking about how the food was too spicy or salty or hot or whatever, however it’s just the fact that I get the opportunity to talk to this beacon of strength, love and endurance that keeps me enthralled. It’s not the conversation but the exchange. My mother is the greatest woman I’ll ever have the pleasure of meeting and my Grandmother is the one who formed her. After watching after kids I realized what little shits they are. So this one’s to all the mothers, fathers, grandmothers and grandfathers out there that put up with the horseshit of children just out of love and form them into the future. I can’t say how thankful I am for my family. One thing I learned out here is that friends will come and go. It is unavoidable and its in your best interest to realize when you can and can’t prevent it and whether it is worth it to do so. However family will always help push you the extra inch when you’re to tired to crawl. I have exactly 2 months left here, not a single day has been or will be possible without every Aunt, Uncle, Brother, Sister, Mother, Father or Grandparent back home. So thank you, I hope I’ve done you proud.

Weeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll fuck. I have learned a very important lesson. Every single person on this planet (myself included, I could be a poster child for this shit) is fucked in the head and completely delusional. We all have these great plans and designs that are simply insane. I expect so much from so little and constantly forget that nothing is free. Now hallmark doesn’t want anyone to drop this bomb or else the “Birthday Cards/Magnets with sayings for dear friends” section will just go to complete shit. However even friendship isn’t free. 

I’ve also learned that almost every cliche in the world holds some weight. I used to fucking hate cliches and I still do to a degree. I learned that cliches are only worth the breath used saying them if you have experienced the cliche. If you are just posting facebook statuses of cliches because you really can’t think of any words to say: please fucking stop. No one likes them. I mean actually likes them. They may click the like button but nine times out of ten the person liking your cliche facebook status is probably just as dumb and boring as you are and you should be ashamed that they are the only people who will tolerate your bullshit….I get passionate about this kinda shit. 

Fuck I’m sounding like a pretentious know-it-all, like the kind of fucker who owns nothing but a wardrobe of flannel tshirts and red converse along with an aura of pure douche. I really hope I don’t always sound like that, time to exercise some humility to balance the scales. I am/have been/always will be a lazy sack of crap that loves to cut corners. I’am shameless about this. I have brilliant spurts of ingenuity and problem solving mastery however they are simply the chocolate chips in this cookie. That being said a cookie without chocolate chips is just a shitty hunk of over-hyped bread. No one wants that shit. Trust me. You ship that to some poor African village and they will save up money to ship it back to you saying “Fuck you dickweed, keep your shitty bread and send some goddamn mosquito nets.

P.S kill Tyler Perry for us. We don’t know who he is or what he does we just want him dead.” 

Theres another personality flaw…I exercise humility by comparing myself to a cookie and then talk about poorer nations. And no. No I’m not gonna go back and erase that shit. I write in this blog once per every 5 months, I’m not fucking around. I’m just writin shit.

Pro tip: If you got kids. Hit em. If you’ve got problems with this. Shut your goddamn mouth you are a terrible parent you are just too far up your own ass to see it and your babies are probably ugly so please please get your tubes tied or snipped. Now I don’t mean beat your kids like a 14 year old pluggin away to “Fridays without borders” on showcase. I mean flex a lil might to let them know damn well that you could crush their skulls into a powder if need be. Lets turn to the animal kingdom for examples. The male tiger eating his young. Now yes I will admit he’s taking it too far however lets step back and not think about the means but rather the message. He’s telling every kitten in that litter that they have minimal amounts of time to man the fuck up and get their shit together so they can grow up and survive in a jungle where not a single fuck is given. The father tiger is ensuring that his kids are going to be the most bad ass ruthless and soulless creatures in a place where if you drink the water you will shit out your rectum and die in a fiery death and thats if you get the water from a tap let alone a festering swamp. Your kids gotta understand from day one that you will protect them with the same force you kid possibly destroy them with, therefore they will know not to fuck with you. They gotta know you’re on their team and they gotta know that you are the pinch hitter not just…the umpire? (Can’t really think of anyone in baseball that sucks cause they all suck).  Trust me parents, not only does it feel good but you’ll notice you may actually enjoy your children instead of regretting going rawdog. 

I assume no one reads this anymore so I just basically vomited up a couple of sentences. Hope you enjoyed it whoever you are.

Thinking of ways to start this: a measurement of the time past, my newest adventure, the weather here, or maybe a mention of a current event. Fuck that. I’m not in the mood. I’m just going to jump into the entire reason why I feel suddenly spurred to write another entry into this dusty ignored journal. I currently feel like I’m at a stage of my life that is in a odd balance or standoff of opposing forces that act naturally in the course of ones life. I’ve come to realize the time in front of me is a blank check. I have 4 months to completely fuck away in utter ignorant self indulgence. I owe too many people too much to even begin paying back. I’m young but as far sighted as I’ve ever been in all directions however since I’m young I’ve decided I do not give a single fuck in any direction. In my situation, lifestyle and line of work I have the option of being all about me. I know the dream is going to be over. I’ve known that from the day I stepped off the plane that in a time that will seem too short I will begrudgingly step back on the plane in tears with gnashed teeth and a tired body. I had/still have the wonderful gift of knowing every single second here is numbered and I plan to live every single one with as much indulgence as possible and do it shamelessly. In 4 months I will be back to the same place I wanted to escape. When I arrive I will have only one thing in mind. Escape once more. Whoever stumbles up on this might think “what the fuck are you talking about you dirty euro hippy?”. I mean I want to squeeze every second for what its worth. Whether its beers in the sun, walking through a warm rain, a rowdy night on the town or just lounging. I’am going to enjoy it as much as possible. I’m kind of writing this so when I’m miserable back in the depths of a Calgarian winter where home becomes the hemoroid of the earth for 6 months I can look back at this and be inspired to get the fuck out of there once more and experience what this world has to offer. This entire blog has been for that I guess. 

Future Dane:

Fast track Uni, get out of Calgary, retain your German and keep moving fast. Do not get caught back up in the cycle you are used to. It will lead to a long boring life.  If you ignore this you have effectively just shit on the entire years worth of work and effort that was Sept. 2010-Sept.2011. Not only that but you are a fucking idiot.

Sincerely,

 Dane on May 24th 2011 sitting in your bed room in Unterhaching the night after getting into a huge fight with Bernhard, moving a heavy washing machine, a pleasant rainstorm that you left your window open for, the first day Alex Anderson spent in Rome, the night Tallest Man on Earth played in Munich, the day that you parked in that guys parking spot and that guy boxed you in and you pulled some detective shit and ended up apologizing profusely in 2 languages.

I’ve got to apologize to my friends reading this. This is kind of a lame post with no stories or whatever but I kinda feel like if you want to hear the shit ton of stories and mishaps and adventures I get into on a daily basis I would love to sit down and talk about them over a beer or something. Other than that I don’t think I’ll post in here very often but who knows? If you’ve managed to read this far into this turd of a Charlie Sheen-esque of a blog post I wish you the best, hope you are well and look forward to seeing you again…even if you didn’t make it this far I still wish you the same.

“I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star.
Everyone stops, points up and gasps
“Oh look at that!” Then- whoosh, and I’m gone…
and they’ll never see anything like it ever again…
and they won’t be able to forget me- ever.”-Jim Morrison

When I was 15 I shit bricks over that quote. I shit bricks over anything Jim Morrison. As I grew older Jim kinda faded to the back ground of influences on my life. Part of growing up is replacing heroes gilded in fame in fortune with those that were real. Real in the sense that they aren’t on a tv or radio. This quote was the coolest thing in the world to me, it still is pretty damn cool. If anything it’s a lot cooler because I have seen this quote lived. 

I usually would refrain from writing something like this in my blog however the content is the biggest reason that I’m writing the blog half way across the world from home in the first place. 

When I was in Grade 11 at Saint Francis High School in Calgary I met Ranate “Nate” Jamkajornkeiat. Nate was a foreign exchange student from Thailand. To just state that about Nate is like saying John Lennon was some musician. True. However it’s the shallowest end of the pool.

For the entire year Nate was with us in Calgary he was always in the best mood a guy can be in…even if he was trucking through 2 feet of snow in flip flops. His spirit was infectious. You couldn’t be in a shitty mood around the guy. He would just turn it around. Always goofin off, gettin a lil intoxicated, laughing, and making friends. The guy wouldn’t give anybody the least bit of shit. There were no strangers to him. Only friends. If you asked for a smoke Nate would give you an entire pack if you wanted. If you wanted to hang out Nate would guarantee a good time. If you were looking for a friend Nate would be the best damn friend you were ever lucky enough to have, like a cross between a loyal pooch and a hippy. 

That dude changed my life. He changed my life in the best of ways. He taught me what I keep saying “live everyday with love”. He truly did that. I strive to be like him. The kid nearly failed every class he took, smoked, drank and lived off ramen for about a year yet I strive to be like Nate more than anyone. He is my inspiration for traveling, meeting people and trying to make the best of my life. I owe that dude more than I can ever repay for how he has affected my life.

I think about him every day still. I think how lucky I am to have had him in my life. I think about how I can learn from him. I think about all the dumb shit we did. I think about how he had his own perfect way of butchering English. To say I miss him is an odd thing. I really really do miss him. 

However he is that comet in the sky. That firey ball screaming through the heavens. Lighting up a dark sky. Stopping time for those below. Causing them to crane their necks to the sky and be left speechless.

Thank you Nate.

Recently my good friend Cailean asked me if I would be willing to write for Earth Pulse magazine. I ended up missing the submission date…naturally. However he offered the option of writing a speech for the release party that he would read to the crowd. Now what makes this special is the release party is today. Today is a special day. Today is a day for the celebration of the life of possibly one of the most beautiful, kind, caring and kind hearted people I have ever had the pleasure to meet in my life. Ranate “Nate” Jamkajornkeiat…I can still spell it from memory. I’ve tried to lace this speech with themes that embody the spirit of Nate. Some of it is repetitive from my last entries however I hope you enjoy. 

Lebenkünstler

(pronounced Ley-Ben-Koon-St-Lar)

 As I sit here on the 4^th floor of a house in Unterhaching, Germany (a suburb of Munich), sipping a Hacker-Pschorr -pronounced Hacker-Shor- Superior Festbier and listening to various post rock artists I think “what the hell am I supposed to write about?” To be quite frank with you, the most I know about Earth Pulse is that it brings together a cornucopia of talented and young artists/writers in Calgary and gives them and others the opportunity to see their labours published…that and my good friend Cailean David has a strong and caring hand in its direction. So since I can’t really comment on the great work to be put forward in this magazine I’ll write about what I know…or think I know.

 Lebenkünstler is definitely my favourite German word. Not that I have many favourite German words seeing as I’m a newborn to the language. The reason that Lebenkünstler has such a dear place with me is that its English equivalent is not as neatly packaged or spoken enough that it deserves its own word. This magical word translates to: “master of the art of living”. Now I’m assuming if you are reading or hearing this little word mash up of mine that you have at least read or written something in your life time and you can recognize that a string of words so clunky and separated and long should not represent something so intricate and beautiful. Now if I can stop my talking for a minute and let the word talk I would appreciate if you took a minute and thought “what does that mean? Master of the art of living? What is the art of living?”

 Now hopefully I am correct in assuming that if you discuss that exact same question with the person closest to you in proximity that you will have different answers. Personally I think no one asks this question often enough to a public audience. Since I lack in the ability to have this discussion with anyone of you right now I will put forth what I have learned this term has to do with my life and how I define this term.

 Roughly 3 months ago I moved to Germany. Leaving my family, my friends, my dog, my job, my school and my language and embarked on what was and still is possibly the biggest adventure of my life. Why? At the time I didn’t think of it like this but in hindsight my reason for why can be described as jumping off a cliff for the experience. Think of your life in the city you live in. Think of the people you know and the places you remember them at. You have your group of friends and the regular houses, bars and assorted places you go to. You have your family and the same places you go to. You have all these little bubbles that you live within. All these comfortable and pleasurable activities you take part in. Familiarity would be a good word to describe what these “bubbles” hold. I don’t have bubbles any more. Those interactions and the settings that they took place in to form my existence as Dane in Calgary are still in Calgary. Out here I have Dane in Munich. I’ve learned who Dane in or out of Calgary. If you want to put a simple Hollywood style mid life crisis marred term to it “I’m finding myself”. I think that is complete bull shit. I’m not playing hide and seek. I like to think of it as this: I’m recognizing how I interact and live without the pressures of the people that I hold dear and without the need or will to impress anyone. I’m learning how I am when I am 100% alone. Not a single soul for thousands of miles in any direction to confide in. I’m learning to become truly comfortable with myself. That is what I would call “finding yourself”, a term I so deeply despise for its open-endedness and overuse.

 When I moved out here I immediately thought about how I would cope. I lost a solid couple of week’s worth of sleep thinking about how I would get to July without completely going batshit crazy. How would I make friends? How would I communicate with the little German I know? How will I muscle through homesickness? How will I live day to day? The only answer I could give is one that I have been taught by some of the best teachers in the world. A lesson as simple as breathing, yet as complex as the physics and processes that make breathing possible. Live every day with love.

 Approach every situation with love. Spread love. Don’t partake in things with intentions of harm and hate. They only lead to the fuel spurring them on.

When you put your heart into something, when you are passionate about the simplest of things and when you have an attitude that wants for nothing more than for all to benefit from your efforts then there is no failure possible in your results.

 I know I sound like a motivational speaker that was paid to come and talk to you during grade 7 lunch when all you wanted to do was play kickball yet you had to listen to some born again Christian or whatever it was. However I ask that you don’t brush off this message…just like the born again something had asked.

 Do not let the road to your goals blindside you from the beauty and pleasure to be had from the scenery beyond the ditches.

 Do not be callous. Be sarcastic, laugh, make fun of something however do so without intentions of hurt.

 Party.

Experience how beautiful you really are first hand.

Explore the world, explore yourself.

Take but be sure to give.

Utilize your youth. Regardless of your genetics you will become only a skeleton of the beauty that was your youthful self.

 Enjoy the days where you sit at home and laze around like a heroin addicted sloth. However don’t make a habit of them.

I’d like to think every bit of the “chicken soup for whatever soul” lines I packed in here account for my definition of Lebenkünstler. Be comfortable with yourself, live everyday with love; seek adventure…or whatever adventure is to you and make sure that you spread positivity and love to those in your lives. One of the most influential teachers I’ve ever had once told me

“In your life time, regardless of how long or short it may be, you will have the opportunity to affect directly, or indirectly thousands and thousands of people regardless of who you are and what you do. However it is your duty and within your interest as a human being to make sure that as many of those people as possible are affected in a positive manner. You have the ability to do great things without making headlines or being on TV. If you can strive for that then this world will be a much better place”.

That always stuck with me.

I’ve been lucky enough to meet several people in my life that embody this term and its spirit. I can tell you right now that if there were more people like them in this world we would all be better off.

Dane de Souza

30/11/10

Unterhaching, Germany

Dedicated to Ranate Jamkajornkeiat.

“Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Svaha!”

Recently my good friend Cailean asked me if I would be willing to write for Earth Pulse magazine. I ended up missing the submission date…naturally. However he offered the option of writing a speech for the release party that he would read to the crowd. Now what makes this special is the release party is today. Today is a special day. Today is a day for the celebration of the life of possibly one of the most beautiful, kind, caring and kind hearted people I have ever had the pleasure to meet in my life. Ranate “Nate” Jamkajornkeiat…I can still spell it from memory. I’ve tried to lace this speech with themes that embody the spirit of Nate. Some of it is repetitive from my last entries however I hope you enjoy. 

Lebenkünstler

(pronounced Ley-Ben-Koon-St-Lar)

 As I sit here on the 4^th floor of a house in Unterhaching, Germany (a suburb of Munich), sipping a Hacker-Pschorr -pronounced Hacker-Shor- Superior Festbier and listening to various post rock artists I think “what the hell am I supposed to write about?” To be quite frank with you, the most I know about Earth Pulse is that it brings together a cornucopia of talented and young artists/writers in Calgary and gives them and others the opportunity to see their labours published…that and my good friend Cailean David has a strong and caring hand in its direction. So since I can’t really comment on the great work to be put forward in this magazine I’ll write about what I know…or think I know.

 Lebenkünstler is definitely my favourite German word. Not that I have many favourite German words seeing as I’m a newborn to the language. The reason that Lebenkünstler has such a dear place with me is that its English equivalent is not as neatly packaged or spoken enough that it deserves its own word. This magical word translates to: “master of the art of living”. Now I’m assuming if you are reading or hearing this little word mash up of mine that you have at least read or written something in your life time and you can recognize that a string of words so clunky and separated and long should not represent something so intricate and beautiful. Now if I can stop my talking for a minute and let the word talk I would appreciate if you took a minute and thought “what does that mean? Master of the art of living? What is the art of living?”

 Now hopefully I am correct in assuming that if you discuss that exact same question with the person closest to you in proximity that you will have different answers. Personally I think no one asks this question often enough to a public audience. Since I lack in the ability to have this discussion with anyone of you right now I will put forth what I have learned this term has to do with my life and how I define this term.

 Roughly 3 months ago I moved to Germany. Leaving my family, my friends, my dog, my job, my school and my language and embarked on what was and still is possibly the biggest adventure of my life. Why? At the time I didn’t think of it like this but in hindsight my reason for why can be described as jumping off a cliff for the experience. Think of your life in the city you live in. Think of the people you know and the places you remember them at. You have your group of friends and the regular houses, bars and assorted places you go to. You have your family and the same places you go to. You have all these little bubbles that you live within. All these comfortable and pleasurable activities you take part in. Familiarity would be a good word to describe what these “bubbles” hold. I don’t have bubbles any more. Those interactions and the settings that they took place in to form my existence as Dane in Calgary are still in Calgary. Out here I have Dane in Munich. I’ve learned who Dane in or out of Calgary. If you want to put a simple Hollywood style mid life crisis marred term to it “I’m finding myself”. I think that is complete bull shit. I’m not playing hide and seek. I like to think of it as this: I’m recognizing how I interact and live without the pressures of the people that I hold dear and without the need or will to impress anyone. I’m learning how I am when I am 100% alone. Not a single soul for thousands of miles in any direction to confide in. I’m learning to become truly comfortable with myself. That is what I would call “finding yourself”, a term I so deeply despise for its open-endedness and overuse.

 When I moved out here I immediately thought about how I would cope. I lost a solid couple of week’s worth of sleep thinking about how I would get to July without completely going batshit crazy. How would I make friends? How would I communicate with the little German I know? How will I muscle through homesickness? How will I live day to day? The only answer I could give is one that I have been taught by some of the best teachers in the world. A lesson as simple as breathing, yet as complex as the physics and processes that make breathing possible. Live every day with love.

 Approach every situation with love. Spread love. Don’t partake in things with intentions of harm and hate. They only lead to the fuel spurring them on.

When you put your heart into something, when you are passionate about the simplest of things and when you have an attitude that wants for nothing more than for all to benefit from your efforts then there is no failure possible in your results.

 I know I sound like a motivational speaker that was paid to come and talk to you during grade 7 lunch when all you wanted to do was play kickball yet you had to listen to some born again Christian or whatever it was. However I ask that you don’t brush off this message…just like the born again something had asked.

 Do not let the road to your goals blindside you from the beauty and pleasure to be had from the scenery beyond the ditches.

 Do not be callous. Be sarcastic, laugh, make fun of something however do so without intentions of hurt.

 Party.

Experience how beautiful you really are first hand.

Explore the world, explore yourself.

Take but be sure to give.

Utilize your youth. Regardless of your genetics you will become only a skeleton of the beauty that was your youthful self.

 Enjoy the days where you sit at home and laze around like a heroin addicted sloth. However don’t make a habit of them.

I’d like to think every bit of the “chicken soup for whatever soul” lines I packed in here account for my definition of Lebenkünstler. Be comfortable with yourself, live everyday with love; seek adventure…or whatever adventure is to you and make sure that you spread positivity and love to those in your lives. One of the most influential teachers I’ve ever had once told me

“In your life time, regardless of how long or short it may be, you will have the opportunity to affect directly, or indirectly thousands and thousands of people regardless of who you are and what you do. However it is your duty and within your interest as a human being to make sure that as many of those people as possible are affected in a positive manner. You have the ability to do great things without making headlines or being on TV. If you can strive for that then this world will be a much better place”.

That always stuck with me.

I’ve been lucky enough to meet several people in my life that embody this term and its spirit. I can tell you right now that if there were more people like them in this world we would all be better off.

Dane de Souza

30/11/10

Unterhaching, Germany

Dedicated to Ranate Jamkajornkeiat.

“Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Svaha!”

Today is kinda weird. I woke up and was in the mood for school and being productive. I was actually momentarily peeved I took too long in the shower and was late for school. Today was the first time snow had actually been on the ground all day. Funny considering I rode a bicycle to the gym at 8 last night. What I find the most odd though was everything was going normally. Just the start of a normal, up, productive kinda day, then I looked out the window of the classroom like I always do when I feel some good daydreaming coming on. However this time there was no images of bears and gorillas fighting a robot zombie resistance outside the window like my mind would normally project onto the foliage of the front of the school. I couldn’t cut through the white veil with my mind. The snow so vividly reminded me of home. I felt as if after class I was for sure going to hop the 89 home from lions park if I couldn’t get a ride with some friends then go home sit in front of a toasty fire place and dick away the rest of the night. It felt like every single snowy day I’ve ever forgotten or just let pass by in Calgary. I was stuck in between homesickness and a dream. Pure limbo. I never thought snow could evoke that in someone. I just stared. Now epic daydreams fueled by a need for immaturity. Instead I had flashes of realistic settings that I have touched, tasted, seen, heard and smelled on a foreign canvas. It’s kind of hard to explain. The entire day I’ve had these feelings of today just being another snowy friday in Calgary where I have no intentions other than curling up beside the fire place and letting the night take over and turn the sky that kind of rusty orange you get in Calgary some times. It’s not going to happen though. That doesn’t really make me sad or distraught. Just kind of confused.

Now I think back to life in Calgary. I’ve been kind of battling with the idea of when/if I go back. I usually just end up thinking about things I should have done differently. Luckily I can’t think of too many. However I feel kind of restless. I don’t know what it is. Maybe I should stop thinking…and start drinking.